changes

Life is such a thing that doesn’t stop for anyone, doesn’t mind anyone or stop changing for anyone or anything… change is the only phenomenon, which has no change…. Everything else is changeable in this world.., people change, generations change, things change. What if life stops changing, what if life goes on everyday in a very similar way? What if people are the same and there’s no such thing called change? There would be nothing called experience… there would be nothing called life in life…there would be no mistakes and no lessons from it…

 

What if people are still uneducated like in the past? What if people are still eating dates and drinking normal water and surviving without AC? What if there’s no such thing called technology? What if there’s no transport? What if we are like our parents and their old ways of doing things?? What if sincerity is still in men like before? What if the religion is the purest form of a personal affair like before unlike something that rules even the personal life of others?

Would life be simpler???…. Would life be a burning hell??… Would we be able to find the same happiness and satisfaction we get from using net, riding brand new cars… and playing video games and chatting…?

 

When I really listen to my parents and their stories about their the past, I feel that people were very happy, they were peaceful, they lived with what they had, And made the best use of their resources… actually we are a generation which sits comfortably on the rewards of hardships, sufferings and sacrifices of our predecessors and simply refer them as uneducated narrow minded…. All the good things that we are enjoying right now was a gift or a reward for their prayers patience and tolerance.  They helped each other, they weren’t judgmental, like now, and we suffer from judging. They were not prejudice…. Unlike many of us…

In the past education weren’t very important, they survived without education, they worked hard and made their life…. Of course people went to school, but it was a lot different, they didn’t have technologies to make their life easier… they didn’t have computers or even mobile phones… they didn’t have numerous apps to kill the break times… they weren’t reluctant to go and talk to others and be merry…. Now we all self centered…glued to our phones… chatting with friends… tweeting…instagramming and doing very much more… we talk to strangers from another continents but we are blind just to see and talk with the people around…. they were humble…polite…and Respect was the first lesson in school and then only the knowledge, now we can see how children are behaving in school. What I really love when professors and doctors talk about the past they have to wander around like dogs for book and knowledge and knowledge was priceless as always… they used to struggle and fight for it in their times…now we have internet.. All knowledge is in fingertips… we don’t have to fight for it… still we are lazy enough not to look for a topic if we don’t have a presentation or test knowledge is everywhere…but nobody likes to grab it with the same enthusiasm or passion that the people in old times showed. In my society women didn’t have to go to school, that was for men. Now it’s different, thinking about it makes me feel that I wana live this life as a good peaceful housewife who wants nothing but peace for her family, but when I remember that if I lived in the past I wouldn’t be able to write fast like now and it would take ages to write a thing and another life to get it published…., I wouldn’t be able to play angry birds, I wouldn’t be able to tweet, wouldn’t be able to see the world and know about cultures under the blanket. But I don’t care about all that. I want to live in a peaceful world. Peace…peaceful life… peace of mind… that’s what’s the exact difference between them and us…-

What about patience back then?

Our brains now are used to think fast and take everything fast. Patience is way far from us, before in camels they traveled for long hours and days, and now we can’t even wait 10 minutes for our turn to see a doctor in a clinic!

What happened? Is it because of the generation of fast food technology? No wonder technology is developing very rapidly! I believe patience has influenced by technology.

That machines we see today are no more there tomorrow, they move their way to something more sophisticated!

In some way or the other, we’re not that patient to the extent that we don’t have time to eat healthy food, we’d rather eat fast food than spend sometimes in cooking. Obesity is increasing, though people who are dieting are a lot on this planet, back then there was no diabetes, no hypertension, no new diseases are coming up everyday yet we drink water more hygienic than before, new medications are produced everyday! Old lifestyle is defiantly had it all over this new alarming lifestyle. They used to eat less…not because they were on a diet… just because the resources were really scarce… yet they were healthier…

 

In the end, human being has to change, as the saying of Ghandi” be the change that you wish to see in the world”

We have to change, we have to have open minds, accept and respect all perspectives, we’re not landlocked, and we don’t want to be boxed in very limited thoughts. And in a way changing is in our genes, we can’t blame someone who changes his mind in the routine life, of course commitment is another story, but changes happen everyday in life from very small things to very big things as in life or death situations or changing from old generations to new ones. And those who are bundles of nerves, and worry a lot in life and thinking that they want everything perfect and don’t want to change in anything, life is always a mind-boggling, and we can’t do anything about it and if we worry about every small little thing, we’re for sure the saddest people ever! Changes are inevitable…but it should not make us stubborn… it should not make us deny all the roots… and forget the paths, which our predecessors travelled…. It should make us more humble…make us value relationships… value our culture… and to understand that life is changeable…. So we cannot expect every person to be the same tomorrow… everything to be the same forever….

 

“My intention is to tell

Of bodies changed

To different forms.

The heavens and all below them

Earth and her creatures,

All change,

And we part of creation,

Also must suffer change”

-OVID


I’m the only one who knows ..
I’m the only one who can decide!!

Ohh my future:
Half my brain is dead thinking constantly about you ….
you’re getting scary everyday more than the day before..

it’s hard to admit … yet everything in life depending on you… Though I don’t like it,, I don’t like it…

you’re making me hopeless, lifeless, nonsense, crazy, loser, creepy….ur pulling the worst out of me…and pushing me to a well full of nightmares….
I’m drowning….

bad… U make me too bad in making decisions.. Is it your mistake?? Or mine???

I hate you … The so called present… The so called NOW…..

My future: will I ever love you ? will we be close friends? Will you hold me tight??

Am I gonna be happy living the perfect life?

are you going to erase the bitterness of past???
Are you going to be trustworthy?
Are you going to be fair to me as u do towards ur own chosen people….

But I will try to love you… With all my heart… You are keeping me alive… Ur keeping me awake….

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Emotions in a lonely night…

I believe that, night is the time when the truest of all emotions come out and grab your heart, mind and body… The time when you get nervous, sad and over and above all this, the feel of being alone, some people just hate it.. Some people are afraid of it.. And some others who say they cannot think about it. I know persons who are scared to death in case if they’re asked to sleep alone, what makes us be much annoyed and afraid in a lonely night..? Is it the darkness which growls outside..? Is it the deadly silence..? Or is it the attack of past and those unpleasant thoughts.

There is two types of lonliness, one is when we are alone in a place and we don’t have anyone to share things with… And the other one is when we are surrounded with people who love us, respect us and take care of us, But never understand what we think.. What we do? And what’s in our heart.. Though we try to communicate this in all possible ways…

Loneliness is scary. But we live our emotions and our dreams when we’re , lonely! And we truly feel them.. The feel which we get only when we are alone…

Emotions in a lonely night is what we all fear…

But why?

Do they scare us because they’re too true?

Do we avoid them because we don’t want to be too true to ourselves?

Do we really fight our tears and pretend to be strong and everything has to be all right?

Do we lie to ourselves?

Thinking about the past in a lonely night is terrifying!

The past gets a rebirth through our thoughts and and it’s never called past, we live the past that way and make ourself die, fed up, and saturated

Life is just like that… But this mind is a bloody thing. I hate it… It makes ppl do things far beyond their imaginations.

A lonely night… The Worst nightmare of all times…


between a guy and himself ..

It was evening time, One guy is riding a car thru a strange lonely road, he meets a girl on the way who was asking him for a lift drop off,

The guy was thinking a lot and he thought he was dreaming. He has never dealt with a girl other than his classmates from distance; he doesn’t know how a woman’s brain works. It was sort of a puzzle to him, all he knows is that women base everything on their emotions; men base things on their brains. One thing he knows, women cook food and wash dishes.

“Hi, I’m lost and I don’t know how to get to the nearest station” the girl in a normal voice…

“ that’s alright, get into the car” the guy in a very soft voice as if he’s a ten times more nervous than ever..and girl gave him a stare which pushed him into  a well of thoughts…

They are both in the car

The guy was speechless driving the car, the very moment he saw her he got nothing to say but his mind was filled with 100’s of questions…

“well, in case you’re questioning yourself why I am trusting a stranger. I believe that sometimes one feels freer trusting a stranger than people one knows.

Probably because a stranger sees us the way we are, not as he wishes to think we are” she said

“that’s a nice philosophy about a stranger… “ he said

“oh turn left, I guess we should turn left to get to the station” she said in an exciting way..

the very moment, he felt annoyed and felt like she doesn’t respect his driving talent and knowledge of roads… , he really doesn’t like anyone to guide him as if he doesn’t know the way, but he said nothing and kept driving.

“I know men doesn’t really like that, when someone tells them where to go when they know, but I intended to do that only because I didn’t want us to get far while we’re here somewhere close to the station” she said

He felt happy whenever she opened her mouth… It was like the music of a chirpy bird…he had never heard such a beautiful voice in his life… He got happy and he just smiled.

They reached the station and when he looked her in the eye, he knew that she’s the one. The perfect one… Lobely face, smooth skin, she wore her hair in a bun, he seemed to be very transfixed by her. And that was the look othais dream girl… Ideal girl to marry and keep at home, he said to himself….As she turned around, he caught a glimpse of her face, the first thing that caught his eye was her smile, it was infectious. And the way she stared this time made him panic…He found her completely irresistible….

And he thinks that she’s an impressively clever person. And Philosophy always attracts him…. Beauty and brain…great package..someone told him from inside…

It was a love at first chance, he never waited on his he told her “I want your number” didn’t bother asking nicely for the number, he wanted her number so badly…

Shy, shock, anger, she didn’t know what was it!

Blushing , blushing she was red now.But her smile never faded…

She gave again a sweet killer smile, nothing said or asked. She just left him a card with her number…

The guy was overjoyed, like a kid who got his candy “do u know me by any chance for this card?” he asked her.

“yes! I have been fancying you, my friends had hundreds of tongue for you, most nights you are our gossip material” she said.

She left.

He grabbed the card and kept it into the dashboard. He was on his way back home…. Suddenly he felt like talking to her…he searched the dashboard … There was nothing….where’s that card he asked himself… Where’s that girl…? Someone asked from His heart…:( he was speechless….who’s that girl ??he asked to himself… Yes the voice from Inside was strong enough to convince him…. It’s u… Urself….  He closed his ear with hands and shouted…. Shuttt uppp……

On the very next moment…He got nostalgic, her face flashed on to him, and he said:

“ thank you Christopher Nolan, if it weren’t you, I would never have met my inception”


Having someone …

Having someone from your family in the same school or college is a nightmare for many, especially an elder one, what about having your sister by your side at workplace, you might call it…horrible or terrible…and if I say that the very same sister is 4 years elder than you, with an entirely different perspective in everything and who in her own terms should be considered next to your own mother,…what can be worse than that??You all might think what a girl this Hanan is?? …this time she has come up pointing fingers against her own sister….own blood….Hey…it’s not the case…I must tell you …I’m loving it…”

Well, it’s fun. I’m assuming anyone works in there knows that we’re sisters, and I’m sure they’re so much happy after they got to know me as a sister of their colleague in the hospital, they have something new to keep them amused, something to talk about, so, people got happy and I got confused because they think that we look alike, but my sister and I feel that we are in two poles when it comes to looks., we’re so different. It’s kind of funny!

Now I’ll tell you about my sister, She’s Doaa A mother of a little cute girl, working as a respiratory therapist, she’s more of an active worker, Smart Clever and moreover a good human being with a generous heart…(I’m not flattering)… But when it comes to work she’s different as I see… she doesn’t smile and looks serious and everything has to be organized and on should be as planned. And I guess that’s a convincing reason to her to get in a supervisor position in a less than a year!

The feeling of having a family member in the same workplace, for me is awesome and a lil strange, but my sister and me get along with each other, we laugh, we gossip, we argue and of course we fight but we still enjoy spending time together. She tells me what to do, where to go and sometimes how to behave and that makes me annoyed sometimes. You know Hanan hates that the most….

I’m sure she knew few things about me, which she didn’t know before; one of them is that when I talk I literally talk like a child! But even though I know deep down how she sees me, I made peace with myself, or else I would be spending a lifetime drama-queening why I talk like that! And will end up dying paranoid. So that’s my nature and the best thing is that I made peace with myself.  And in the other hand I knew few things I didn’t know about her before, and one of them is that her reaction when I started the training, she was happy happy, I thought it wouldn’t be as happy as she thinks. Alhamdullah…Right now what I’m thinking, I don’t want this training to be over, I don’t want to work with her, I want to learn from her…I want her to correct me and push me up whenever its needed. And I want to learn from her in profession and in real life….

This post is for her… love you my sister, you are the best.


life is going on ..

When I was a kid I always wished my summer holidays to be at winter times, So that I could sleep tight with my blanket over the head for hours, sleep till noon, then again till night, then be awake the whole night playing road rash and numerous other games with my brothers, now it’s all over, I grew up, enough to understand that summer or winter or snow, it has nothing much to do with your life. Life is something we make. But still I doubt, do I really love summer and this outbreak of heat? see this is my problem ,actually I wanted to say that the beginning of summer was good and I fixed myself into the hours of rush as I started to be busy..

Well, my summer started off with a trip to Dubai with my sisters, I still wonder why most of them we find in an aircraft are having the same expression. Either A serious pallid face as they have been kidnapped or an expression nothing less than that of a prisoner sentenced for lifetime imprisonment. I was staring at many and I just wanted to freak out…scream out loud and tell each and everyone that I’m going for my holidays…. But I controlled it…and the trip turned out to be an unforgettable one, not because of those never ending shopaholic hyper activities or the craziest of things we did together…not because of the millions of miles we walked together. And of course not because of the excitement in seeing the man made constructions or the thousands of ways Dubai has got to amuse us…its true. I loved every part of this trip just because it made me realize that how precious is the feeling of family, though we fight, we yell and we get nasty with anger. We are still one apart from a million things which makes each of us entirely incomparable to each other. We loved. We lived. We laughed to death. And danced like crazy…I was like a traveler who found an oasis just the one moment before she lost the breath. I was very much exhausted all these months…if you count the days between my last post and this one. You would get an idea I guess.

And I can say we were very judgmental, I realized by then that being judgmental and acting like a boss are sort of running in our bloods. And sadly, that was the worst part and by now I learned to leave it that way.

Lesson 1. Some bindings can only be made through a substance called BLOOD

I tried to kill my long hours in summer in the hospital, I really wanted to meet new people and talk with them. Knowledge is in books.so I don’t regret if I don’t learn scientific information a day…it would still be there and I’m sure I can run anytime back and find it there with less efforts. That’s why we call them books; the knowledge is booked inside those pages. None can cancel your booking…I’m sure end of the day I learned some other things from chatting with people, talking to patients and it feels really great….

Lesson 2. Life is a book and we just cannot end it up strictly reading the pages written for us.  Try and learn from others so that we will be able to understand ours better.

My learning process is going on, so as the power of my vision…dealing with different types of people was always been difficult for me.for example there’s a doctor who is very strict And when I say strict I mean I got even so much frustrated the first days, she doesn’t smile, she stares at me when I get late though (I’m volunteering from my time). First days I was so panic when I talk to her, my problem is that how hard I may try if I don’t like something or someone…it would show on my face, It never goes with yelling and shouting back, this is life you don’t stress yourself out because someone is yelling at you for no reason at work. At work there are different kinds of people dealing with you, the psycho people, the shitty people, the chronic complainers, the know-it-all experts, the pessimists, the gossip and so many others and only smart people know how to get that even if that looks stupid on them.  But I knew now that there’s no point of panicking and stressing myself out, it’s just a waste of time and energy, instead I learned how to smile and behave normal irrespective of how she behaves. No matter what happens, end of the day I would get into bed with a lucid mind.

Lesson Learned.3. Whatever happens around you. Just be yourself. Everyone has the right to behave as they wish and all you can do is just behave yourself…smile is always better than grudge.

I’m not fully satisfied at this stage, I get sad sometimes when I know something but it doesn’t come into my mind at the moment and that makes me look so stupid, and I get hurt and very depressed when I see patients with terminal illnesses who I can’t talk to and see how it’s going on with them, but in the bright side I talk to them through the stethoscope, and I feel that they’re happy, I feel it. I don’t wana sound like a bad complainer and I’m trying to be positive and see things positive so I won’t keep on complaining now and will stop, though it’s not an easy thing for Hanan to do! But I’m strong I know.

I started the summer training with my bestie Sarah, it feels awesome, and we gossip a lot. And The road to the hospital is quiet long, so I used to sleep with my head on her lap all the way going and coming back, One day she was waiting for me in car, and she found me holding my pink heart-shape pillow walking to the car, she was laughing so hard and she didn’t know that I would reach to this level of being a sleeping freak. Woo and the best part is when we escape from the ward at 12 pm.

Lesson 4. Sleeping in your best friends lap always give a delicious nap. But carrying a pillow is always better.

Basically, it’s very nice in the hospital, I see cases, I present cases, I learn from doctors, I gossip with Sarah, I talk to different kinds of people from different cultures and I eat delicious food from the Cafeteria. I’ve given up the The era of eating and sleeping to that of working and eating…the more you work the more you eat…J dieting??…What is that???….

Hospital takes all my time but there’s always time for my books, I bought a collection of neurological books which I’m planning to finish by the summer, plus that I have few other classical novels I enjoy reading.

What I really appreciate in myself that I don’t regret reading a book, even if it’s awful, I don’t regret it unless it was spent on a week day and late at midnight, I would cry sobbing if the novel happens to be so bad, same happens with movies. No wonder I call myself crazy…and my crazy life is going on…on and on : )


My energy is focused in three things…. lately

Family, Hospital, writing

I stay with my family nearly most of my time, talking, laughing, fighting and I’m sometimes somewhat of helpful. They’re occupying a big part of my heart; I always put them in my priorities. And whatever I do, I do it for myself and for them too. They always give me energy in doing things.

So, yeah my energy is focused in them, as in thinking of them, helping them and trying to make them happy.  Not to mention that they sometimes trigger my anger. But they’re family, after all.

Making them happy, and seeing them happy, always make me feel great and satisfied. They’re so much influential in my life, they always think wisely and support me in everything.

Despite the fact that I fight with them every single day, and how much I hated the way they think, how they are very strict about their traditions and their old fashion lifestyle, but PARETNS always know the secret to make us happy. They even spend much more energy for us than we do for ourselves, their eyes seeing dreams through our eyes and through our lives. I believe our life is a Gift for them from the God, and I think the most precious way to spend my energy is to spend it for them.

Lately, I started to believe that I’m a workaholic. I work a lot and learn a lot for my future career. It’s good and bad. I sometimes forget how to breathe, and that sometimes threatens my life: P

Well, during the weekdays, I spend most of my time for the hospital; I present a lot of cases, read a lot about them, learn from interns, doctors and consultants. I don’t miss a chance, and that’s what I used to love in myself, until people around me kept telling that I’m overworking, and I’m on a vacation, the least thing I can do is to have fun and enjoy my time going crazy and all, but I failed telling them back that I’m having fun and enjoying my time in the hospital and I can handle all the pressures that would come from it, but they somehow convinced me.

So, speaking of energy and hospital. It’s really true that I work hard and most of my energy is for the hospital, but I’m still in a state of craziness as Always. And I’m still enjoying my life. I still dance like crazy and scream out when I’m alone.

It feels good when you work hard, and trying so hard to keep the pace and enjoying life at the same time. That makes our life vibrant and different. And it’s interesting to see when our profession opens new horizons of knowledge and experience, which would make us feel the life is worth living this way.

You might find me reading medical books while traveling, while on a holiday or an outing to a far place, you might wonder as if I’m from another world far and away, and you might find me different from many of my age. But as I always say I’m what I’m, I do things whichever make me happy. So it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, what matters is the things, which make me happy and energetic,

Investing my energy in my profession gives me more energy to look forward to my future. So I Love to spend my energy this way,

There’s another thing takes my time and energy, which is the writing. I write everyday, and when I’m not writing then I’m thinking of things to write about.

I started writing a couple of years ago, and that didn’t mean a lot to me at the time as it does at the moment.

What I care the most about my writings, is how I feel after that, does it feel good, satisfying? Did I express all my feelings in a form of letters and words?

I don’t really know how I see my writings, maybe clear or obvious, frankly, I don’t care much about how it looks, if it’s good or not. Sometimes I see them the best of the best, and sometimes they’re the worst ever, and that’s because I don’t want them to be good only, I want to feel good after writing. Maybe I’m sort of selfish, I care a lot about how I feel myself, not how others see them when they read. And that somehow makes me myself, and people who read me, they read the real me. But that doesn’t mean I neglect all the mistakes. It should look good on me. But my point is that’s not the only thing I care about in my writings.

I spend most of my time doing these three things, that sometimes make me think that I live in a small box. And I don’t see the world, but I know without these three things my life doesn’t exist, my world is empty, they are my life and they made my world a better one, and my life worth living for.


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